Have you ever felt so empty before? To the point where doing things that you love doesn’t make sense to you anymore? I have.
I’ve always said that walking and people watching are very comforting to me. Watching stranger doing kindness to another stranger warm me down. Cloud gazing and reading a good book ease my headache. But still, there are times where nothing could ever fill this empty void. There are times where walking and people watching just irk me, and make me wish that I was curling inside my blanket instead.
I want to know what emptiness feels to other people and what causes it. Is it necessarily a form of loneliness? Is it a form of dissatisfaction? Is it a part of disappointment? There are nights where I find it really hard to sleep just because I feel like an empty glass. Like there’s something inside me that needs to be watered. No matter how beautiful or bright the full moon outside my window, or how colourful the city lights that night.
I’ve always loved the witching hour from 3 to 4 in the morning, but there are times where I just want to suffocate between those times. It’s almost like I’m missing something in my life, and it doesn’t mean that I feel incomplete by myself.
I want to know how old people recover from emptiness. I want to know what’s inside those people’s heads who spend their evening sitting on their porch and just staring blankly at the traffic that’s blocking their alley. Do they ever feel empty? Do they ever feel that sudden chest pain that emptiness causes? I want to know whether it is normal for me to feel empty in my privileged situation.
I heard that loneliness comes in waves, but emptiness stays. Does it mean that I would still feel the same when I hit 65 years old if I haven’t found something to fill this empty space? I also heard that emptiness doesn’t return like loneliness does, so does it mean that the void is fillable? If so, when is my turn to find the cement to fill this void?
If you read this, and you ever feel empty. Please let me know how does it feel to you. I want to know.
If it couldn’t be filled, I hope it could be understood.